Repeating the Pattern

Last night, I ran into an old friend of mine.  Not that she’s old, we’re around the same age (insert joke about my age here), but I’ve known her FOREVER.

When I asked her what’s new, she told me that her twenty-year-old daughter was pregnant.

A long conversation ensued.  You see, my friend (we’ll call her Liz for the purpose of this article) was concerned that her daughter was “repeating the pattern”.  She was a bit unnerved that I wasn’t more concerned.  Did I stop loving Ashley (her daughter)?

Of course not.  I’ve loved Ashley since I first laid eyes on her.  Twenty years ago.  I met Liz just after Ashley was born, and we’ve been friends ever since.  I just have a different perspective on “the pattern”.

First, let me be clear that I am a big fan of the two-parent family, whenever possible.  I also understand that there are times when it’s just not possible.  There are many times when it’s not possible.  This occurs for many reasons.  I’ve seen single parents who knock it out of the park.  Not just once in a while but every day.  I’ve seen single parents who put some two-parent households to shame.  It happens, and I’ve seen it.

Second, let me also say, that I may be biased.  I am unable to have children (although we are in the process of adopting) and that may, at times, color my opinions.

But this is not my story, this story is Liz’s.  And Ashley’s.  And Ashley’s fiancé’s.

When I met Liz, it was when she was a new mother at twenty-one.  Our paths crossed when she got a job at a restaurant where I’d been working my way through college.  We were close to the same age, she was just a few years older, and we had led very different lives.

I graduated high school, got a college scholarship, and landed a job to pay my living expenses.

Liz graduated high school, was married at eighteen, pregnant at twenty, and abandoned by her husband at twenty-one (he “just wasn’t ready for kids”).

Our lives could not be much more different, which helped forge our friendship.  Liz struggled every day.  I was interested in her life because it was so different from mine.  She was interested in my life because it was a dream of hers to go to college.  We spent many hours bonding over sodas and snacks.

Now that baby is having a baby.  I’m not thrilled, but I’m not worried either.  Ashley is made of really good stuff.  If she’s anything like her mother, it will be no problem.

When Liz’s first husband left, she came to work at the restaurant.  She worked long hours, allowed herself one night per week to socialize with “the gang” from work, and devoted every spare moment to her child.  It wasn’t easy.

About the time that I was graduating from college, Liz had finally saved up enough money to take her first college class.  I started to see less of her.  The first reason was that I left the restaurant to find my first post-college “real job”.  The second reason was that Liz cut down her socialization time to one night per month.  She needed the extra time for study.

Liz was enrolled in a class, working full-time, and taking care of her daughter.  Ashley never had to miss out on things.  Liz managed to find the money for all of the field trips and even chaperoned some.  Liz made time to help her with her homework.  They ate dinner together at the kitchen table every evening that Liz didn’t have to work.  Liz always read to Ashley at bedtime.  With all of that, Ashley even got to participate in all of the normal girl things:  Girl Scouts, cheerleading classes, dance classes, etc.  The kid never suffered because she was “the daughter of a single-mother”.

It took eight years, but Liz eventually earned a B.A. in Social Work.  She then transitioned to working full-time as a Case Worker for the Foster Care system.  The time that she had previously devoted to taking classes part-time, she now devoted to working part-time at the restaurant, in the hopes of paying off her student loans before Ashley was ready to start college.

Somehow, during all of this, Liz also managed to meet her dream man.  They are now married, own their own home, and are in the midst of their “happily ever after”.

So, let’s simplify it.  Liz was a single mom who managed to do a great job of raising her child, earned a college degree, landed her dream job, landed her dream man, and got her “happily ever after”.

Things may or may not work out for Ashley and her fiancé, I sincerely hope that they do.  But Ashley is already pregnant; the die is cast on that lot.  At this point, I will be thrilled if she does “repeat the pattern”; it’ll mean that she and her child (and hopefully her husband) will have a great life.  We don’t have to be upset that she might “repeat the pattern”, we only have to be concerned that she might not.